Skoora, The Gentle Shark

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by:
Cast- [Kevin enters the inn. The room breaks out in a chorus of polite "Evenin'"s]

Dave: So I guess you'll be wanting a room then.

Kevin: Yes, just for the night. I'm on my way to Bideford.

Dave: Oh Bideford's a lovely, lovely town.

Kevin: Yeah. Uh, excuse me, I couldn't help but notice, but everyone here seems to be . . . um . . . uh . . .

Dave: Mutilated?

[Chorus of "Evenin"s]

Kevin: Well, yeah.

Dave: Well you're quite right. In fact I myself . . . am missing a leg. [pulls fake leg off and thumps it on the desk for emphasis]

Kevin: I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have said anything.

Dave: Oh no, it's quite all right. We're really used to it around here. I mean, after all, it's not that often you see so many horribly disfigured people in one room, is it?

Kevin: No it isn't.

Dave: I bet you're curious as to how this strange turn of events came to be.

Kevin: Actually, I am a bit curious. Yes, I admit it, I am.

Dave: I thought you were curious, I thought so. I can usually tell. Well I guess I was the first to run afoul of the great beast.

Kevin: Wow. Great beast.

Dave: Yes, I was the victim of *Skoora* [thunderclap] the gentle shark . . . But if you're really interested, you should be talking to the Captain over there.

Mark: Yes, come over here, my boy. I'll buy you a drink and tell you my tale. What'll you have?

Kevin: Scotch and soda.

Mark: Then rum it is. Innkeeper, two glasses! I reached Woodstock on the second day of the festival. Janis was in all her glory . . .

Dave: No, Captain. Your Skoora story.

Mark: Oh . . . I used to be the captain of my own cruise ship. It was the kind of boat folks rent for weddings, parties, you know, that kind of thing. But on the night in question it had been rented for a prom. Oh, the girls looked so lovely in their dresses, the boys such fine little gentlemen in their tuxedos. They were all drinking and dancing and spiking the punch. I was dizzy with delight when suddenly - my ship sank. We all went into the water. Then came Skoora, picking us off one by one by one by one. Till only I was left. And as he bore down on me, he paused as if to say, "What can I do? I'm a shark. I eat." And then he cut me in half, cut me right in half - my wife measured me, I'm exactly half my former length. But as he swam away with my lower extremeties dangling from his jaw, I swear to god he was crying.

Kevin: Crying?

Mark: Yes, crying. Oh to be sure, he's a brutal killing machine. But he shows more remorse than I've ever seen in a human.

Kevin: That's an amazing story.

Mark: Thank you, thank you.

Kevin: Anyone else with an amazing story? [Everyone in the inn waves their hands excitedly. Kevin points to the two brothers] They were first, sorry they were first.

Scott: Jeffery and I are marine biologists.

Bruce: Yes, we came here to study plant life in the bay area.

Scott: That's right. One day we were out swimming, when we came across Skoora. [thunderclap] But instead of attacking us, he beckoned us to follow him.

Bruce: You know, sort of motioning with his head.

Scott: Like this. [demonstrates]

Bruce: So we followed Skoora and he led us to a beautiful undersea grotto. It was filled with his own art.

Scott: We felt that Skoora had really opened up to us.

Bruce: Yeah. Then he tore into us,

Both: again and again.

Scott: Then, when his belly was filled with our hot flesh, he suddenly stopped.

Bruce: Yeah, I remember that.

Scott: Remember, Jeff? And filled with self-reproach, began to throw himself against the walls of the cave . . . and left us alive.

Bruce: We'd be better off dead.

Scott: Better off dead.

Bruce: But he just didn't have the heart to do it.

Scott: The teeth, but not the heart.

Dave: You know, I don't think there's a man, woman or child, and that includes the young Hundlebees here celebrating their honeymoon this weekend, who hasn't been touched - oh, and horribly mutilated - by Skoora the gentle shark. [thunderclap]

Kevin: That's incredible. Tell me, have you people ever thought of hiring someone to kill the shark? A shark killer?

[Everyone becomes hostile immediately]

Dave: Have you missed the point, man?!

Mark: Have you missed the point?

Bruce: He can't help it, it's his nature.

Scott: He's a *shark*.

 Dave: Yes, would you kill the birds for singing? Would you poison the fish for swimming? Would you shoot the children for laughing?

Everyone: [ad lib] Would you kill the children?

Kevin: No! I guess not. I wasn't thinking.

Everyone: [ad lib] You just weren't thinking!

Dave: Well, I'll show you to your room, then. [A fin appears from behind the front desk] Skoora! [Dave is sucked down. Water and blood fly up and hit the ceiling. Kevin runs over to the desk]

Kevin: My god, my god! Skoora is eating the innkeeper!

Mark: How is Skoora taking it?

Kevin: Not very well.

[Everyone bemoans this news]

Mark: [singing] Skoora, Skoora . . .[yells "SING!" to the inn while handing a lyric sheet to Kevin. Skoora swims in time to the song behind the desk while everyone joins in]

Everyone: . . .Skoora, the gentle shark.
Skoora, Skoora. He's a killer with a broken heart.
Don't blame him! He blames himself.
Don't hate him! He hates himself.
Skoora, Skoora. Skoora the gentle shark.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video