Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Proof of Evil

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I Hecubus@aol.com
Kevin: Good evening and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. Hello, I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan. For those of you without a brave heart, get up, go to your television sets and turn the station. Go ahead, exercise your right to be a coward. Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL! Yes, I am a man possessed by many demons. Polite demons that would open the door for a lady carrying too many parcels, but demons nonetheless! Yes, I have walked along the path of evil many times, it's a twisting curving path, that actually leads to a charming block garden, but beyond that evil! And now I would like to bring on one who could be the spawn of Satan himself. Manservant Hecubus. Good evening Hecubus. Are you ready?

 Dave: I am ready to serve you master. And Satan!

 Kevin: Good. Then let the proof of evil begin. Hecubus, pick a card, pick any card.

Dave: No.

 Kevin: Pardon?

 Dave: No.

 Kevin: Evil! Evil! Impolite and Evil! Hecubus, have you seen the movie Presumed Innocent?

Dave: Yes I have master, and his wife killed her.

 Kevin: But Hecubus, I haven't seen the movie yet. Evil! Evil! It is now time for the sleep of ages. Sava Lava Cuti. Hecubus, can you hear me?

Dave: Yes master.

 Kevin: If Hecubus is sleeping, how can he hear me? Maybe because he's lying? Dirty, dirty liar! Evil, evil white boy!

 Dave: I lied, I lied, I lied!

 Kevin: He lied, he lied, he lied, he lied! Remember people, do not fear the evil that surrounds you. Do not avoid the hounds of hell. Do not avoid the beasts of brimstone. Do not avoid the puppies of purgatory. You must always embrace the hellfire, hellfire, hellfire. Thank you! Goodnight! If you haven't already, please call you mom.

 [Cut to Mark watching television.]

 Mark (as Satan): Terrific, terrific! Great! Great stuff. At last, a show for me. A show that speaks to me. That was great. Oh, Golden Girls.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video