Gavin: Chair Painter

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I
[Mark plays this guy who steps outside to go paint a wooden chair, and Bruce, as the ever-popular Gavin, rides up in his bike for the usual "Gavin Chat".]

 Mark: (steps outside to paint chair, looking tired and slightly hungover.) "Ahh, a little hair on the dog," (sticks out tongue [it's blue and hairy] starts painting chair.)

 Bruce: So you're painting a chair, eh?

 Mark: Yeah, that's what I'm doing, all right.

 Bruce: That's why I stopped.

 Mark: I see.

 Bruce: So I suppose you want me to paint your chair.

 Mark: No, thanks, I'm doing fine.

 Bruce: Oh, okay. There's this kid in my class, and she lives on her own without any parents or guardians, and she's eight. And she took the number off her house so the cops can't find her to take her to jail, and also, she took off the mailbox, so they can't send her a letter and say she's in trouble and has to go to jail.... and she's eight like I say.

 Mark: Eight? That's young.

 Bruce: Yeah. And in the garage is a skeleton of a coyote. And it's one of those real valuable ones, and that guy from the news already tried to buy it three times.

 Mark: Really.

 Bruce: Yeah. So I guess you want me to paint your chair.

 Mark: No I'm doing fine, thanks.

 Bruce: okay. These guys, smoke.

 Mark: They smoke.

 Bruce: Yeah!

 Mark: Wow.

 Bruce: And there *bad*! And you know what??? They taught a dog to smoke! Do you believe that?

 Mark: Sure, I believe that.

 Bruce: Yeah, well it's true! And they taught him to beg for cigarettes! Door to door! So right away when this poor little devil would ring your door bell with his paws, you'd know right away what he wanted! So you'd give him a cigarette, and he'd take it back to these guys that waited by the fence to smoke, and they didn't care who saw them smoke! These guys sure smoked!

 Mark: Really.

 Bruce: I guess I should go...

 Mark: Yeah, thanks for stopping by.

 Bruce: (waits a couple of seconds.) Okay, I'll stay. Hey! Did you ever eat a snowball???

 Mark: No, no I didn't.

 Bruce: Onions is all I eat.

 Mark: Wow.

 Bruce: Oh, yeah, the government wanted me to tell you that in the sewer there's this animal that's killing everything and nothing can stop it, and the only thing that can even slow it REALLY EXPENSIVE PERFUME! Do you wanna know why?

 Mark: (paints chair quickly without answering)

 Bruce: You wanna know WHY?

 Mark: Why?

 Bruce: CAUSE ITS GOT A METAL HEAD!!! (laughs goofily) Scary, eh? Yeah... Why are you painting so fast?

 Mark: I just wanna get this done before the rain comes.

 Bruce: Well, I already painted a bunch as a science fair project. My dad and I, one time, one summer, we built a veranda without any tools. Therefore, I should paint your chair.

 Mark: Well, you can paint this bit right here, okay? (hands Gavin the paintbrush.)

 Bruce: What would something like that pay?

 Mark: (grabs paintbrush back.)

 Bruce: In England, everyone only has one spoon.

 Mark: Yeah. And that's your spoon for your entire life, right? And if you lose it, you starve to death unless someone in your family wills you their spoon. And they have spoon millionaires in England, right?

 Bruce: I kind of heard that, yeah. So should I come in your house now and eat?

 Mark: No.

 Bruce: I can't have an onion?

 Mark: No.

 Bruce: Okay, I gotta go, I'm in the middle of a big Bike race!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video